That night we were watching Pam and Tommy Lee: Hardcore and Uncensored. Since leaving Baywatch and bombing out in Barb Wire, Pamela has been seen by millions of people in her sexy home videos. This one of her and Tommy is the best-selling adult video ever. Now there is a new one out of Pamela and her old boyfriend Bret, the singer from Poison, where she strips to New Age music and he wears a vampire costume. I haven't seen that one yet. I'm still spooked by Princess Diana's death, to tell you the truth, and I don't want to jinx anyone else in the royal family, if you see what I mean. Anyway, you can't get that video until Pamela and Bret each settle their $90 million lawsuits against the distributor.

Anyway, back to the one I did see. The Tommy and Pamela video was advertised as being XXX, with a lot of actual sex scenes, and in terms of sex we were not disappointed. There were also a lot of close-ups of Pamela's pussy, which is shaved and very beautiful, and of Tommy's penis. My boyfriend says Tommy has a dick like a telephone pole. He asked me if I liked it, and I had to say yes. Yes, I did. Here are some things Tommy does with his penis in the video:

·Steers a boat with it
·Steers a car with it
·Tucks it between his legs and pretends he's a girl or a eunuch

But the video is not all sex. It's more about their vacation, alone on a boat, which is pretty wild and carefree. For instance, in one scene Pamela climbs into a hot tub wearing her sweats. It's fun to see the details of Pamela's life. She wears all white a lot, like white sweatpants, white T-shirt, and a white scrunchy. And she wears her scrunchy on her wrist like anyone would. But at the same time you're always aware that she's a star, and you wonder if maybe she has an assistant who hands her a scrunchy when she needs one.

I found, after watching this video, that I was curious to know more about Pamela Anderson Lee as a person. She's a girl who likes a fun time, I'd say, judging by the way she holds her drink out to the camera and yells a lot in a fun, excited way. After all, she married a guy with "Mayhem" tattooed on his stomach. One thing I got to see is that Pamela is definitely not a morning person: When she's in bed with no makeup on, and Tommy is trying to film her, she waves him away, getting kind of pissed as he keeps moving in on her. He was teasing, but it looked mean. And I felt bad that I was witnessing the beginning of a fight, maybe even the fight that led to their breakup.

Pamela and Tommy don't seem to talk a lot. But they do talk to each other when they have sex, which is very sexy and uninhibited and no doubt a result of their being in the public eye so much. While they are doing it, they both say "I love you babe" a lot and Tommy says to his wife, "Aww, you're so fucking beautiful." The thing is, if you took out all the sex scenes, you'd still have a pretty interesting video. And if you took out all the non-sex scenes, you'd have a pretty good sex video. Which kind of contradicts Umberto Eco's definition of a porn movie. I would argue that this is not a sex movie at all, but a documentary. But, since sex sells, here are the sex scenes, in order of intensity:

·Pamela masturbating in a deck chair, on the boat
·Tommy, wearing his sunglasses, going down on Pamela after she masturbates
·Tommy and Pamela having intercourse on the boat, then she goes down on him
·Pamela giving Tommy a BJ in the car

The car scene is interesting. It's the scene in the video that is most like a movie. It's raining and they're driving on a highway and they're kind of lost. The windshield wipers are going back and forth, and Pamela has a map out and Tommy Lee yells, "I'm so fucking horny!" Then they pull over and she goes down on him. I don't know who's holding the camera; it's pointing down at his penis and her mouth. Then they're driving again and Tommy says, "Ahh, that's better."

There is also an intense scene where—after they have sex on the boat—the action cuts to Tommy down in the kitchen of the boat, using his laptop computer. It looks like he's on the Internet but it's hard to say. It was intense for me because we had bought the video off the Internet, and there was Tommy on the Internet, and what if he was searching the Internet for his own video, which didn't even exist yet? See what I mean? Mind-blowing.

Like a good 20/20 or Hard Copy documentary, this video shows the tensions of everyday life. Like they're having sex and Pamela says to Tommy, "When are you going to give me a baby?" but then he comes on her stomach. Was that because he flipped out at the last minute about having a baby? Or did he remember they were making a video and decide to go for the traditional money shot? I think Pamela is really counting on getting pregnant, because she looks at Tommy's penis and says to the camera, "Look how lucky your mommy is. This is going to get her through the rest of her life." Maybe she was already pregnant with little Brandon when they made the video. It's hard to say.

Still, I hope Pamela was not pregnant because we do see her with a joint in her mouth. This scene exemplifies the intimacy of their relationship even when they're not having sex or setting up money shots. Down in the kitchen of the boat, Pamela is working a joint-rolling machine and having kind of a hard time. She's laughing, and going, "Give me a second, honey!" to Tommy. She has long fingernails, maybe that's why it's hard for her. Finally she gets the joint rolled and puts it between her lips. Tommy moves in for a close-up and growls in a very Motley Crüe way, "You're fucking wild, babe!"

As much as I enjoyed the video and the glimpses of Pamela and Tommy's private lives, I felt kind of guilty about intruding on their vacation. It's like the Busch Gardens commercial says: "If life is going to take so much time, shouldn't vacation give some of it back?" If they had just gone to Busch Gardens for vacation, maybe they wouldn't have made this video. Then the video wouldn't have been stolen and sold on the Internet. Maybe they wouldn't have broken up. And maybe Princess Diana would still be alive.